Big Updates!

So....lots has been happening around here recently! The girls are amazing. I can't believe how lucky we are. It is so strange to think that on August 29th at 1:20 pm I found out I was having twins. Now I sit here as I type and shove pacifiers into each of my girl's mouths. August 29th was not the best day in our house. The stress and magnitude of all of this hadn't even sunk in but it was overwhelming. Now it is still stressful and overwhelming but I wouldn't change it for anything. This is exactly what was supposed to happen, the next step in our lives. 11 years ago Bobby and I started dating and if you told either one of us that in the span of 11 years we would be here we would have thought it was impossible. I guess everyone has their moments like that....Jake was the most unexpected gift. I just can't believe we have added to our family again by 2. It has all been so unexpected and I look at all three of them and my heart feels so full. I can't count how many times I have said over the last several weeks, "I still can't believe we have twins. I mean, seriously? Who does this happen to?"

This video was taken literally 2 minutes after I found out I was having twins....and after I stopped saying, "Oh shit."

So here we are, a 3 1/2 year old and 6 week old twins. Things sure have a funny way of working themselves out. Last week we had another doctor's appointment. This was Avery's last "preemie" check up because she is no longer considered a preemie! At 8 weeks they measure their growth in all areas and put them on the chart so I'll have better numbers in a couple of weeks. Avery weighed 7 pound 1 ounce! It blows me aways that she is still under what Jake was at birth! She is eating like a champ. She is doing tons of breastfeeding and is really, really good at it. I always follow up with a bottle but sometimes she doesn't take any which means she is full just from breastfeeding. I can't believe how easy it is with her. When things go so well I find myself very happy that things are easy and going well but I also have some sadness that I didn't ever get to do this with Jake. Things were never easy-well, except sleeping. I just can't help but feel like maybe I didn't give it everything I had. Things were messy with him and stressful beyond a doubt but it would have been nice to be more hopeful and dedicated with some things-like breastfeeding and I wish I was more aware of how sick he was-like with the oxygen. Of course lots of things were out of my control but I still can't help but be really sad and upset that my little boy and I didn't get to experience lots of things together. People say, "It's not your fault, you did the best you could." True, I did the best I could at that moment but no one really understands how it was or how I feel right now. Part of it was my fault. I should have pushed and pushed when I knew in my gut something was off. When I say I'm sad that I couldn't do this with Jake or I wish I did more, I mean it. Everyone tries to say the right thing, but there is no right thing.

The biggest news about sweet Avery is that she is OFF OXYGEN!! I did a room air challenge on her at home for 6 hours before her dr. appointment and she was in the 90's the whole time. It was a wonderful moment for me. I can't help but look at her a million times a day and see if her face shows any blue shadowing at all--maybe Jake gave me the training that I needed to make sure both of my girls are safe. Her little face is so sweet without a cannula in her nose. I told Bobby, "Oh my gosh, this is the first time I have seen her face without crap on it!" She's so beautiful. She is just perfect.

Avery without oxygen! This is a hat that a former student made for the girls! They wear them every night because they are so warm and so cute!

Can you tell who is who?! My tiny little Brooklynn....she is skin and bones!

Brooklynn reminds me more of what we went through with Jake early on with the feeding. She has many more highs than lows which is good. She is growing! She gained the most weight she has ever grown in a week--7 ounces! She is 5 pounds 6 ounces. A perfect 5 and 1/2 pounds. Her face is filling out more and so she doesn't look like she is skin and bones. And because I am her mommy, I can say that she looks so much more adorable with a little weight on her! She struggles to eat 4/8 times a day. She spills a lot of milk out of her mouth. I am trying to do more breastfeeding with her than I was before since I am not so worried about her gaining weight. She is tiny and I think she will be tiny for a while. Right when I say to Bobby that I am really worried about her, she will have a great feeding where she'll finish her whole bottle and have only a tiny bit of spilling. I think it is key for her to be hungry so I try to feed her only when she is really hungry instead of just a little fussy. One of these days we will figure out exactly what works for her and hopefully she'll catch on. I find myself thinking back to where Avery was 2-3 weeks ago and I figure that is about where Brooklynn is...she has lots of good things going for her-she has a good latch and a strong suck when she isn't overly tired. She is my tricky one. She likes the pacifier more and more so I offer it to her all the time in hopes that it will continue to strengthen her mouth muscles. She doesn't spit up ever (which is AWESOME! Sister doesn't either!) but I wondered if she was just really gassy or silently refluxing while eating because she has to take lots of breaks, burps a lot, and arches her back while eating sometimes. I have tried gas drops which has helped a little bit. We are going to wean down her oxygen to 1/32 of a liter and try a room air challenge on her before her doctor's appointment on Friday to see how she does. I am not very hopeful about getting off of oxygen because she still has blue shading around her mouth at times. Some day she will be off of it and it will be one fabulous day! 2 babies and no cords at all! I can't even imagine how easy it will be!

Speaking of pacifiers, we have one very adoring child who loves her pacifier so much between 8 pm and 7 am. During the day, Avery could really care less about it but at night her claws come out, so to speak, and this girl transforms into a crazy child. Last week, in desperation, I bought 3 wubbanubs for her (and I am sure they will come in handy for Brooklynn too since she all of a sudden loves her pacifier too). This was a 2 am purchase (online!) because the two of us had literally been up 50 times to put the paci back in her mouth. She starts whining and we can tell it has fallen out of her mouth and we have 2 seconds to race out of bed to shove it back in before all hell breaks loose and the whole damn house is awake. Then just as you get the covers back over your own body, the whole process starts again. I don't like to put blankets near their faces-they are too little so we are stuck getting in and out of bed. She even earned herself a spot in the co-sleeper (this could be a good thing for her, I guess) so that I can drape my arm over to her body and hold the paci in place for her. Good Lord, I created a monster. I thought that having a pacifier kid would be the cutest thing in the world--and during the day I just love it...until the sun goes down and then the freaking green pacifier becomes the one thing in our room that I want to throw across the room. Funny enough, as we are going through all of this my friend on facebook posted about her little girl and her pacifier and it is too funny not to share! (Jess, I hope you don't mind!) She wrote, "Day 1 of no pacifier...she bought the paci fairy story for a few hours (school)...until the shi*t hit the fan...I've already taken migraine medicine...a few more hours and out comes the wine!!!" I couldn't stop laughing today thinking-oh no, is this where I'm headed? 

This is how she is happiest. I won't embarrass her with a picture of what happens when it falls out!

That's it for now-this took several hours of starting and stopping to type up this puppy. Duties of all kinds are calling me in the form of 2 perfect little angels and one big love muffin on his way home to see his mama matchbox cars. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who have come over to see the babies and share all of this excitement with us. You are all so special to us and thank you so much for caring about us so much to come see our newest additions and give us a break from holding/feeding/changing!