11 weeks!

Wow. I can't believe that 77 days ago we had two babies. They are beautiful, happy, and healthy. I am so thankful that everything is so easy-not that it isn't hard work and exhausting-but everything is happening the way it should. I keep thinking things should be harder. They should have reflux or something else. But they have nothing. Our girls are perfect. :)

I was just talking with Bobby about where we were with Jake when he was 11 weeks. old. We were stuck in Children's hospital while he had every test under the sun done to figure out what was causing his feeding issues and his lack of development. He wasn't holding his head up, smiling, or eating well. It was funny though because he was HUGE and all of the nurses and doctors were surprised that on his chart he had "feeding issues" but in person was this chunky monkey. I remember it like it was just yesterday. After an MRI a neurologist couldn't really give answers and I remember thinking that if I don't ask this one question now, I never will-"Is he going to be mentally handicap?' I didn't know how to word what I feared but he understood. He said he didn't know, he couldn't predict the future. After he walked out of the room I couldn't even look at Jake. I was so upset. It was like I didn't want him to be mine. I have never admitted that to more then a few of my closest people but it's true-I didn't want to be his mommy-in that moment-because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was terrified. It's odd looking back at that moment. Like I can float above it right now and I desperately wish I could tell myself in that moment-go over to your baby, pick him up-wires and all-and hold him and tell him you love him and that everything will be alright. I'd like to think that is what I did but I didn't. I waked away and felt sorry for myself. For our family-all of them. Eventually I came back-a bit more frightened than before but as soon as I scooped that baby up in my arms I knew that it was time to buck up. Yes I mourned the loss of what we thought our son was going to be-until then I really thought that there was a chance he would catch up and be what I thought was "normal". I learned a lot that first year of Jake's life and there are many defining moments that have made me into the mommy that I am today. I was meant to be his. My destiny is to be Jake's mommy, advocate, number one fan, and biggest supporter. Our girls are lucky because of their big brother. They are going to be the most empathetic, kind, helpful, and loving people because they have the gift of having Jake as their big brother. This boy just melts my heart.

This is my poor sick baby at Children's hospital in December 2008. 

As if my mom (who was with me the entire 9 days Jake was in the hospital) didn't already like Bobby enough, one morning Bobby brought me clothes and toiletries because I didn't even have a chance to go home when they admitted Jake. He came back with a bag of clothes and in the bottom were 2 coffee cups (this makes me giggle) and a bottle of wine. :) He couldn't have brought a more perfect thing at that time. We drank it up (secretly) and it was some of the best stress relief around. I decided when Jake was admitted that I was done pumping. He never breast fed well and pumping the tiny amount that I was pumping wasn't worth it. I was so stressed out with his health that my body was reacting and not producing even close enough for Jake to have one full bottle a day. When I stopped pumping it was a huge relief for me so that I could just focus on Jake. He was sleeping through the night at this time so I was happy to get much needed sleep too. It is so important to me that I don't forget these little things... 

Yesterday morning Bobby had to work so I set up the baby gate so that J wouldn't go near the stairs (his FAVORITE thing to do is to drop any and everything from the top of the stairs and one day he is going to drop himself). He happily played between our room, where I was feeding the girls, and his room-where he was making a HUGE mess! I had forgotten that in a bag (from when I was in the hospital) there were soft crayons that Jake played with when he came to visit. Well, I haven't gotten around to actually putting things in that bag away and of course he found the crayons and colored a nice drawing on his door. He was very VERY proud of himself and gladly posed for a picture. In all of the things in his room he has to find those crayons? Seriously? So I learned an important lesson-never let him close the door unless you know what is in his room that he could play with-AND never say "I will never let that happen, I'll always pick up crayons, makers, sharpies, etc. when my child is around and put them in a safe place. Parenting lesson learned but I'm sure it'll happen again. :)

Oooo, pretty drawing on your door, Jake!